Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
