Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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