He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize