i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
