last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
