he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
