I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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