i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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