Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
