I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
