An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
