turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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