I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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