I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
