Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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