there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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