You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
