You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
