Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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