i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
