Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize