I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
