We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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