glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
