Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
