I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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