so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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