I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
