soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
