I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
