The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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