3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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