So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
