I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize