It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
