somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
