I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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