you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
