im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
