well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
