I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize