I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
