I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
