U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
