Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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