Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
