apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize