So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
