I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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