I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
