I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize
