I wish I could teleport
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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