i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
