the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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