Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
