Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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