You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
