Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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